Just ten more pounds

It’s almost the end of the day and so far I’ve managed to eat only 500 calories between the All Bran I’d had for breakfast and the small soup and apple I’d had for lunch. They think I don’t know it, but my colleagues at work have been watching every scrap of food I put in my mouth. They say they’re concerned, but they don’t realize they shouldn’t be, I’m happy being thin. There’s nothing wrong with me. I just need to lose ten more pounds and I will finally reach 90 pounds. I’m finally going to be hot! Men are going to look at me on the streets and wish they were with me, women are going to wish they were me.

I look at my watch. It’s a Polar, so I can count how many calories I use up with each activity at work. I noticed that filing uses up the most calories so I have taken to spending a good part of each day organizing everyone’s papers in the file cabinet. I also regularly volunteer to go out to get coffee for everyone since the walking and carrying doesn’t hurt either. It’s 5 o’clock already. I put my thermos of green tea in my bag and wave goodbye to the people still at the office.

I work at a PR firm called Ridley Faye. I’ve worked there for a couple of years and I used to really enjoy it, but lately all I can do while I’m there is focus on the bare minimum of work I need to do to get by. I don’t have the same energy I used to, so I save it for things that will really burn calories, which does not include chatting with my co-workers.

I walk the twenty blocks uptown to my apartment and sigh with relief when I’m finally inside. It used to take me twenty minutes to do that walk but today it took me thirty and the whole time I felt woozy, like I was walking underwater.

Once I get upstairs I take off my work clothes and drink a glass of water, which helps fill up my rumbling stomach. My phone rings and I check to see who it is. It’s my sister, Karin. I want to talk to her, I really do, but I feel so cranky, she’s going to be upset at me for being moody and I just don’t want to deal with it right now. I just need to get through 45 minutes on my stationary bike and then I can have dinner, I tell myself that I can call her back after that.

I put on my workout clothes and turn to an ‘80s playlist on my ipod. Before I start working out I look at myself in the mirror. I have long dark hair which used to be my most beautiful feature, but recently has looked kind of limp. My skin used to glow too but I had gotten a bout of pimples when I started dieting and my face still hadn’t gone back to its old self. I had researched it on google and apparently it is a related to amenorrhea, which is when the body stops menstruating from insufficient nutrition. It was an unfortunate side effect since I really liked not getting my period. I touch my shoulders to make sure they still felt bony and notice that my pelvic bones were sticking out more than yesterday. Good.

After 30 minutes on the bike I get a horrible headache. I drink some more water and go to the kitchen to get myself some low-fat toast with cottage cheese. I feel good that I am getting some protein from the cheese. For dessert I have two raisins. I feel full after running on empty for so many hours and it disgusts me but the feeling soon passes. I take a shower and go to bed, so I won’t be tempted to eat anymore. I decide not to call my sister back as I am still feeling grumpy. It takes me several hours to fall asleep, my body still wired from the exercise and my stomach rumbling. It doesn’t matter, what matters is that I am on my way to being a hottie, to being admired for my discipline and self-control. I am on my way to bigger and better things, like having a boyfriend, for a change. I’m so sick of being alone and I’m sure the reason is that I’m too fat and unattractive for anyone to want to be with me. Well, that will all change soon enough. Just ten more pounds. Of course, I have been saying that since I’d reached 110 pounds, but I just hadn’t looked as skinny as I’d hoped for at that weight. Just ten more pounds.